Crises of Faith

As I look back on my experience thus far, I think my most growth has been experiential growth in my faith. I'm sad to say that I think many times I neglect the two other facets of faith more than I should, those being reading the Bible and praying. Now, don't get me wrong, I do pray in the sense that I am always praying about something during my day and with my daughter at night, but what I would really like the chance to do is pray more in a meditative, concentrated way. My mind is such that I am often distracted if I am not purposefully teaching someone something or working through a topic verbally. So, to be lost alone with the thoughts in my mind and to try to impose organization on them is something I need to work on more diligently.

As far as my Biblical growth is concerned, I think I've just used too many excuses; for example, I am too tired to work on the God things right now. I am a single mom who has to give all of my energy to my child or to my students. And as a result, I think situations that often have been crises of faith have been more anxiety-producing than they necessarily should be. When others have been less joyful than me or produced stress in my life through expectations placed on me, I think that my lack of Biblical grounding has caused me to almost feel panicked in certain situations. I say none of these things with a sense of pride that I have neglected them during this difficult trial, but I assume I find it amazing that the experiential part of faith has been something that has been able to operate during the time anyhow. I regret, though, that I could have probably felt more fullness and grown closer in my relationship with God had I been working on all three facets of faith at once.

But as far as the Biblical growth is concerned, I've decided to begin Experiencing God Bible study and meet with a group of ladies in order to give me some sense of accountability in this discipline of my faith. I can't help but feel like I could have gained more out of this entire experience. But, as far as what I've learned experientially, I have learned much. What rang particularly true with me last night as I was completing my study is that in our lives, we are greeted with crises of faith, that are bigger than us; they are God-sized.

And I guess in a metaphorical way, the experiences with renters in my home has mirrored the walk I have been taking with my husband (a God-sized trial), attempting to follow God's will and preserve my family through a difficult experience, often having to choose to believe in the evidence of things unseen. Needless to say, God provided me a set of renters to start with at the very moment I could not afford to pay for the house myself when I decided to stay home and work on my Masters. Though they were supposed to stay for a year, they left early. At that point, I had a crisis of faith wondering if God could come through for me since I could not afford to pay the mortgage on my own. And once again, he provided wonderful renters from seminary so that there was no gap in renters. After these individuals decided to leave early (and kindly leave me the deposit) again, there was no gap in provision for someone to rent my house. As it stands now, the renters will be perfectly scheduled to coincide with my schedule of moving back in the house. All of this to say, just as my renting experience has been filled with moments at which I had to trust the unseen, so has my decision to stay with my husband and preserve our family been filled with these same moments.

These moments involve choosing to trust that the new man is being created, that God has done something high and mighty in my husband's heart. Though I would love to have concrete evidence, a certificate that proves my husband has completely transferred over to the persona of the new man, my life will be spent trusting in that which is unseen. Sure, I have absolute evidence of my husband's change, in his attitude, his ability to cleave unto me, his seeking of spiritual things, and his desire to accept me. He has gained confidence in himself, something that was really not too terribly existent before, and his eyes have been cleared more to the world around him. I feel as if legalism has faded away, and he can see individuals more in the light of Christ's command for us to love God and love others. He has become a reader, and is hungry to study God's word. All of these things have worked together for me to see the new man.

However, I cannot say that there have not been these crises of faith, where I must trust in that which is unseen beyond the evidence of what is there for me at the time. Just as Experiencing God describes faith as occurring in steps, and not a one-time decision, so our lives during this time have been full of step by step decisions to continue trusting and believing in that which is not tangible. Needless to say, I will keep pursuing and keep seeking God's will beyond what the world tells me. I will continue to have joy even when there are those who seem to steal it from me. I will press on.