Thanksgiving update....late ;)

Hello everyone,


I do apologize for the lateness of this update. In all truth, I received Joshua's typed update a week ago and have not responded by writing my own reflection on this month until now. If anything I feel as if often I cannot write if my writing is not somehow meaningful to me. Thus, to write before now would have been a superficial act, and for some reason, that feels wrong to me. I trust that the timeliness of the updates is not our primary goal in doing them. I think they allow reflection for both Joshua and me in order to process this time. Perhaps they are even more for our own personal benefit than yours. Regardless, if you do have an interest in receiving his updates before I have the time/words to write, I am glad to send the typed updates onto you before I complete my part of them.

If anything, this month has really been a reflection on how one's circumstances change the person. It is such a priviledge for me to interact with my students on a day to day basis, and teaching them has been so enlightening to me. If anything else, I see such real people, meaningful with their words, and full of personal reflection upon their circumstances. So many of them have difficult lives, but for some reason, to me, that makes them teachers, who teach me so much about what really matters in life: respecting the human beings around us and communicating in real, tangible ways with those around us about the deep meaning of life, not just its materalistic elements. In many ways, I feel as if I have lived much of my life focused on my own bubble, unable to see the real plight of those around me. I feel I have been wrapped up in the myth of meritocracy, believing that individuals always do well if they work hard enough. However, it's harder to make it when they haven't started out with all the right circumstances. Not only is there financial poverty, but there is a poverty of encouragement, poverty of spirit, poverty of academics, and so much more in these kids' lives. But what value they place on life and knowing the hearts of others in life! I look up to them for realizing the essence of what life truly is.

Personally, I have been a bit down during particular parts of the month. Rejection is something that really gets me down, and in some circumstances, I really just do not feel valuable to some individuals. I feel as if I represent the taboo instead of the customary, safe, and predictable. In a lot of ways, I feel like the odd one out. I'm not always accepted across the board, and sometimes I feel I have to play the part of someone I am not. During those times, because my true self does not work in particular circumstances, I just shut down and become the quiet person I am not. In the words of Emerson, I want to "suck the marrow out of life" and be able to communicate my experiences. In my view, when I cannot do so freely, I see no need for communicating whatsoever. However, this teaching position has been the perfect place for me to communicate and life fully, and my church has also been a place of total acceptance. When I do not have that person around with whom I communicate freely and easily (besides the Lord), I tend to feel the lack of acceptance more strongly. However, working with these kids really reminds me what matters in life. When I am exposed to them, my particular situations pale in comparison to what they face.

Isabella is doing well, correcting my grammar, as a matter of fact. Yesterday, I asked, "Can I please have the coupon book," and she corrected me with "No, say MAY I have the coupon book." She's a bundle of energy and I am so blessed to have her around. She now puts on "shows" on the bed (because she can look at herself in the mirror) and invites everyone to come watch her. She dresses up in her princess dresses during this time. Actually, she forces everyone to come watch. She ends up creating a song all her own, that may be a take off on another song. She takes a bow and is super proud of herself. Even her drawings are becoming more advanced as she grows. It's so neat to watch the changes she goes through. I feel, though, as if there is not enough of me to go around. I give myself to students all during the day and then come home to being a full time mom without a husband (though my family helps so much!). I end up going to bed early, usually, and I feel as if I can get nothing done that needs to be done. Any holiday I have, I travel to see my husband. I am grateful to be with him and grow closer together, but at the same time, I usually become worn out and sick after I travel. Parenting is also difficult, though, because I do not feel I have much energy left at the end of the day to give to her.